A Traveler’s Guide to NAIA

Satire by Soysoy

Mabuhay! We hope you had a safe flight. Welcome to Ninoy Aquino International Airport, named after one hero whose martyrdom meant that he never saw the light of day again even before he set foot on the tarmac¹. Since then, we pride ourselves in a lack of deaths…more or less.

And while you wait for your flight, feel free to have a bite of our in-house specialty: bread with magical bullets inside of them.

Our head chef explains how it was an accidental discovery. After three cases of beer, he accidentally loaded a batch of bread into the security scanner instead of the oven, and the rest is history². A bite into these fresh laves captures the subtle nuances of our society, and the gunpowder will leave you asking for more.

We are glad you’ve arrived. Seriously. Because, here’s the thing. We actually don’t know where the planes go. At least we used to, until our brand new multi-billion mid-life air traffic management system broke down³.

In fact, our management welcomes the long lines this event brought us. Ever since the 1990s, we have been envisioning the doing away of airplanes entirely and the creation of human bridges to ferry people out of Manila to local and international destinations. Our pilot link was between Manila and Cebu, but the lines were only long enough to reach halfway over the Visayan Sea and a low pressure area resulted in an unfortunate…structural…failure of the bridge.

And ever since the passengers found out the authorities were too slow to step in and fix the radar, they decided to institute their own anarchic post-industrial marxist government. And now that they finally have something meaningful to do out of the finite hours of their mortal lives spent on delays, we decided to stick with it. We just stuff your baggage on the planes and pray to the sky demon that inhabits the control tower that you arrive in one piece.

Then, things got too boring and that schtick went out of style. We soon invested all our efforts into the best security system that’s unheard of in the whole world. We have scanners for any deadly weapons and zealous fangirls to pat down underage kpop stars if ever you think their visuals get past us–aha!⁴ We also have security personnel that ensure your valuables are taken away before any criminal thinks about it⁵, and we are happy to report a -50% theft rate for all passengers due to hardworking staff that have gone above and beyond for their quotas.

We hope you have a safe flight. Ensure your tray tables are stowed, seatbelts are fastened, chair in an upright position, and your life ready for the final judgment. Though your departure means you’ll finally be going to a better place, we hope it’s not the better place so we won’t have to change our airport’s name again.

1. Manila International Airport Authority (n.d.). History of MIAA. https://www.miaa.gov.ph/index.php/about-miaa/history-of-miaa

2. ABS-CBN News. (n.d.). Why some OFWs fear going home [Video]. https://news.abs-cbn.com/video/global-filipino/v1/10/29/15/why-some-ofws-fear-going-home

3. Boiser, A. & Piad, T. J. C. (2023, January 2). Naia power outage, tech glitch shut PH airspace. Inquirer News. https://newsinfo.inquirer.net/1711413/naia-power-outage-tech-glitch-shut-ph-airspace/amp

4. Rappler. (2023, February 6). Gov’t to investigate ENHYPEN security check incident at NAIA. RAPPLER. https://www.rappler.com/entertainment/korean-popular-music/office-transportation-authority-investigate-viral-security-check-incident-naia-staff-enhypen/

5. Mangaluz, J. (2023, March 8). House to monitor DOTr, OTS in stopping NAIA theft incidents. Inquirer News. https://newsinfo.inquirer.net/1739702/house-to-monitor-dotr-ots-in-stopping-naia-theft-incidents/amp